It's that time of year again. See the purple link on the right of my page. Click on it and sponsor me while I walk to save babies.
This will be the fourth year my family has been involved with this fundraiser. It really means a lot to me because of the reasearch they have supported that is helping to prevent premature births and birth defects. Every day I miss my baby boy even thought I know he is in a better place.
I love sweet boy. I know that you watch over me everyday and that you are always with me.
This will be the fourth year my family has been involved with this fundraiser. It really means a lot to me because of the reasearch they have supported that is helping to prevent premature births and birth defects. Every day I miss my baby boy even thought I know he is in a better place.
I love sweet boy. I know that you watch over me everyday and that you are always with me.
Watermark - Glory Baby lyrics
Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you Until we're home with you
CHORUS
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
*We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you*
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would, just like he said he would
CHORUS
BRIDGE
I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know, all you'll ever know
CHORUS
Labels: grief, prematurity, WalkAmerica
Posted
by Hedda on Tuesday, April 01, 2008
It has been three weeks since my bil passed away. I have wanted to send my mil an email to be supportive. I have no idea what to say. I'm not new to grief mind you. I just don't know how to deal with her. I feel like she was trying to make us feel guilty about living near my family but being 1000 miles away from them. I'm not sorry for where we decided to live. I did what I felt was best for me when my son died. It has turned out to be a great decision. But, still...what do you say to someone who thrives on crisis and misery to help them move forward through their grief? I know that I can't tell her how to grieve and I would never try to, but I feel like I should do something. Any suggestions?
Dh is not doing so well either. He has never been one to talk about his feelings and that is exactly what he is doing. He's not talking. We talked the other morning about me being more sympathetic. I'm having a hard time with that because dh and his brother were not best buds while we were married. His response was that maybe that's why he is having a hard time with his brother's death. He said he should have been best buds with his brother. Brother had a lot of problems. When we were first married we tried to help. He moved in with us and I feel like he took advantage of us. We finally had to ask him to leave. It was tough love. Throughout the next 10 years we had to use tough love with him. We felt that's what was best for him and for us.
I don't know how to help him. I really think he should talk to someone that is more qualified than me. He just needs to work through the feelings he is having toward his brother. He could also use some time working with the issues with his mother, but I don't think anyone has that kind of time.
I hate grief. We've had too much of it in our family to be this young. It makes me feel really old.
Dh is not doing so well either. He has never been one to talk about his feelings and that is exactly what he is doing. He's not talking. We talked the other morning about me being more sympathetic. I'm having a hard time with that because dh and his brother were not best buds while we were married. His response was that maybe that's why he is having a hard time with his brother's death. He said he should have been best buds with his brother. Brother had a lot of problems. When we were first married we tried to help. He moved in with us and I feel like he took advantage of us. We finally had to ask him to leave. It was tough love. Throughout the next 10 years we had to use tough love with him. We felt that's what was best for him and for us.
I don't know how to help him. I really think he should talk to someone that is more qualified than me. He just needs to work through the feelings he is having toward his brother. He could also use some time working with the issues with his mother, but I don't think anyone has that kind of time.
I hate grief. We've had too much of it in our family to be this young. It makes me feel really old.
Labels: grief
Posted
by Hedda on Tuesday, March 18, 2008
We spent our first day of vacation in Miami, FL. It was quite weird. We went to Publix a couple of times. It's a grocery store. I've never been any where in the United States that looked more like I was in another country. More than half of the items in Publix were in Spanish. I thought Miami was still a part of the U.S.
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The cruise ship was absolutely incredible. We were on the Freedom of the Seas from Royal Caribbean. It is the largest cruise ship on the ocean. Our suite was very spacious. We could definitely tell it was larger than the other ships when we walked from one end to the other.
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Wednesday morning while I was off the boat and waiting on DH and weeman we received an emergency call. My brother-in-law passed away the night before. So much for our great Caribbean vacation.
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DH left the next day to return home and then back to his parents' place. That left me alone with weeman on the boat for three days. It was quite interesting.
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Don't ever fly standby with a 3 year old. Especially when you are trying to make sure you are at a funeral the next day at 9 am. They really don't understand that you can't get on the plane if there aren't any seats.
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When you aren't Catholic and you attend a mass it all seems strange. It was also strange to see the coffin draped with the United States flag when you know the person in it hated being in the military.
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This was my first visit to my in-laws in 3 years. It's hard for me to be there since that is where all the events of my angel happened. Top that off with the death of their son and it wasn't the most pleasant trip.
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My mother-in-law acts like we haven't lost a child. When I told her things would get better, not easier, but better she said it wouldn't. She told me you get better from a cold not from this. Don't you think I would understand what she is going through? She also said that she didn't have any family near her to lean on. She tried to put a guilt trip on DH because we don't live close. I explained that she has a sister that lives across the driveway and her parents are about 2 miles away. She said she can't depend on any of them.
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How does a 32 year old man have a sudden heart attack and die? The whole thing doesn't make any sense. It's also amazing how much DH and I learned about what has been going on with his family. Now it would be nice if they would just share some of this information with him. He is all they have left. They are going to have to depend on us. We will be the one's to take care of them.
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The cruise ship was absolutely incredible. We were on the Freedom of the Seas from Royal Caribbean. It is the largest cruise ship on the ocean. Our suite was very spacious. We could definitely tell it was larger than the other ships when we walked from one end to the other.
***************************************************************************************
Wednesday morning while I was off the boat and waiting on DH and weeman we received an emergency call. My brother-in-law passed away the night before. So much for our great Caribbean vacation.
***************************************************************************************
DH left the next day to return home and then back to his parents' place. That left me alone with weeman on the boat for three days. It was quite interesting.
***************************************************************************************
Don't ever fly standby with a 3 year old. Especially when you are trying to make sure you are at a funeral the next day at 9 am. They really don't understand that you can't get on the plane if there aren't any seats.
***************************************************************************************
When you aren't Catholic and you attend a mass it all seems strange. It was also strange to see the coffin draped with the United States flag when you know the person in it hated being in the military.
***************************************************************************************
This was my first visit to my in-laws in 3 years. It's hard for me to be there since that is where all the events of my angel happened. Top that off with the death of their son and it wasn't the most pleasant trip.
***************************************************************************************
My mother-in-law acts like we haven't lost a child. When I told her things would get better, not easier, but better she said it wouldn't. She told me you get better from a cold not from this. Don't you think I would understand what she is going through? She also said that she didn't have any family near her to lean on. She tried to put a guilt trip on DH because we don't live close. I explained that she has a sister that lives across the driveway and her parents are about 2 miles away. She said she can't depend on any of them.
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How does a 32 year old man have a sudden heart attack and die? The whole thing doesn't make any sense. It's also amazing how much DH and I learned about what has been going on with his family. Now it would be nice if they would just share some of this information with him. He is all they have left. They are going to have to depend on us. We will be the one's to take care of them.
Labels: cruise, family news, grief
Posted
by Hedda on Sunday, March 09, 2008
I love Christmas. Absolutely love it. I love everything about it. The anticipation, the excitement, shopping in the hustle and bustle. I even loved working retail during the Christmas season. In fact, it was my favorite time of the year to work. I no longer work in retail and when I'm out shopping during this season I try to be as nice as possible to those working.
For some reason though, I'm just not in the spirit this year. At first I thought it was because it was 80 degrees here. Yes, 80 degrees. IN DECEMBER!! Then I thought it was because I was in the middle of finals and getting ready to graduate. (I did. That's another post.) Even after all of that was finished, I'm still having a hard time finding the spirit.
I think I have finally figured it out. I miss my angel. It's been four years and for some reason this year is harder than any other year. I haven't told anyone about this yet and I'm not even sure I could explain it. I think one of the reasons I am having such a hard time is that wee man has figured Christmas out. He understands Santa and all the presents. He knows what letter his name starts with now, so he can find his presents.
My angel would be a year older than wee man. Knowing that he will never get to enjoy Christmas and that I will never get to see the joy and excitement on his face leaves me with a deep sadness. When this feeling comes over me I am amazed. Amazed that I can still feel like this after four years. Amazed because I have no idea where the feeling comes from. Amazed that after only 11 days I could love someone so much.
I know that I just have to keep moving and eventually the feelings will subside. I just hate being in this funk and smiling my way through the day even though I don't feel like. I don't want to take anything away from wee man this season. I want to be able to enjoy his awe and wonderment of the season.
For some reason though, I'm just not in the spirit this year. At first I thought it was because it was 80 degrees here. Yes, 80 degrees. IN DECEMBER!! Then I thought it was because I was in the middle of finals and getting ready to graduate. (I did. That's another post.) Even after all of that was finished, I'm still having a hard time finding the spirit.
I think I have finally figured it out. I miss my angel. It's been four years and for some reason this year is harder than any other year. I haven't told anyone about this yet and I'm not even sure I could explain it. I think one of the reasons I am having such a hard time is that wee man has figured Christmas out. He understands Santa and all the presents. He knows what letter his name starts with now, so he can find his presents.
My angel would be a year older than wee man. Knowing that he will never get to enjoy Christmas and that I will never get to see the joy and excitement on his face leaves me with a deep sadness. When this feeling comes over me I am amazed. Amazed that I can still feel like this after four years. Amazed because I have no idea where the feeling comes from. Amazed that after only 11 days I could love someone so much.
I know that I just have to keep moving and eventually the feelings will subside. I just hate being in this funk and smiling my way through the day even though I don't feel like. I don't want to take anything away from wee man this season. I want to be able to enjoy his awe and wonderment of the season.
Posted
by Hedda on Thursday, December 20, 2007
Every year I buy DH a gift from our angel. Last year I was able to go to a website called Rich Rememberances. They had wonderful stuff, but the website is under construction this year. I have no idea where to look for a gift this year much less what to get. Do you guys have any suggestions?
Posted
by Hedda on Tuesday, December 11, 2007
I work with a local high school band during marching season. If you weren't in the band in high school you may not know how close those kids can be.
Last night at practice one of the Color Guard girls collapsed. I was the first adult to reach her. I watched her take about 4 to 5 breaths in a 5 minute period. After she took her last breath one of the parents that just happened to be there and just happens to be an ER nurse started CPR.
EMTs reached us finally and worked with her for a while and loaded her up to take her to the hospital.
Once some of the adults reached the hospital we were taken into a room and told that she had passed away. The EMTs had worked on her all the way to hospital, but they were unable to revive her.
This morning I went to the school to be there for the kids. Not something I was looking forward to this morning. It was amazing to see how much these kids support each other.
That is twice I have seen someone take their last breath. Both images I will never get out of my head.
The band wants to go to the football game tomorrow, but the band director has said it is too soon. I wish we would go.
Please keep this young lady's family in your prayers as well as the band.
Last night at practice one of the Color Guard girls collapsed. I was the first adult to reach her. I watched her take about 4 to 5 breaths in a 5 minute period. After she took her last breath one of the parents that just happened to be there and just happens to be an ER nurse started CPR.
EMTs reached us finally and worked with her for a while and loaded her up to take her to the hospital.
Once some of the adults reached the hospital we were taken into a room and told that she had passed away. The EMTs had worked on her all the way to hospital, but they were unable to revive her.
This morning I went to the school to be there for the kids. Not something I was looking forward to this morning. It was amazing to see how much these kids support each other.
That is twice I have seen someone take their last breath. Both images I will never get out of my head.
The band wants to go to the football game tomorrow, but the band director has said it is too soon. I wish we would go.
Please keep this young lady's family in your prayers as well as the band.
Posted
by Hedda on Friday, September 28, 2007
To Our Precious Garrett
We thought of you with love today
But that is nothing new
We thought about you yesterday
And days before that, too
We think of you in silence
We often speak your name
All we have are memories
And your pictures in a frame
Your memory is a keepsake
With which we will never part
God has you in his keeping
We have you in our hearts
A million times we've wanted you
A million times we've cried
If love could only have saved you
You never would have died
It broke our hearts to lose you
But you didn't go alone
For a part of us went with you
The day God called you home.
Labels: grief
Posted
by Hedda on Thursday, September 20, 2007
Four years ago you came into our lives. The only sound you made was a little squeak of a cry. You were more loved than I could ever explain. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think about you. I did everything I could for you and I still don't feel like it was enough.
Daddy and brother talk about you all the time. I'm glad that we have you to watch over brother. You know, that's a big brother's job.
You brought a joy to my life that I didn't know was possible. You made me smile with the "sunglasses" you wore. You were so small that they were too big for your head. I only have a few pictures of you and yet I cherish each one. They are all I have know.
I look forward to the day I get to hold you. When you can look into my eyes and I know that you love me. I miss that we didn't want more time together.
Happy Birthday my sweet angel.
Daddy and brother talk about you all the time. I'm glad that we have you to watch over brother. You know, that's a big brother's job.
You brought a joy to my life that I didn't know was possible. You made me smile with the "sunglasses" you wore. You were so small that they were too big for your head. I only have a few pictures of you and yet I cherish each one. They are all I have know.
I look forward to the day I get to hold you. When you can look into my eyes and I know that you love me. I miss that we didn't want more time together.
Happy Birthday my sweet angel.
Labels: grief
Posted
by Hedda on Sunday, September 09, 2007
Last night I had a breakdown. For some reason when everyone is gone I have a hard time getting to sleep. So after the football game I watched Save the Last Dance.
Don't ask me why I was watching it. It was on and I couldn't get to sleep. At some point in the movie the main character gets very upset about the death of her mother. I'm a very sensitive person and I started crying. Seriously? Over this movie?
While I was trying to stop crying I realized that I was upset that I was not in Boston. Not because I want to be, but because my little boy is going to need me and I'm not there. I'm sure he is wondering why I'm not there. The idea is that he will get all dressed up in a tuxedo and walk down the aisle all by himself in front of a bunch of people he doesn't know.
Four years ago when I was in Boston at this exact time my other little boy needed me and there was nothing I could do. I swore that I would never do that again. That I would be there when my children needed me. When I realized I would not be there for him when he needed me, I lost it. Will he ever forgive me? Will he trust that I will be here to take care of him?
My final realization was that this whole thing was not my fault. I asked them to consider moving the wedding. That was 19 months before the date. I was told that decisions had been made so they didn't feel like they could move it. (They hadn't spent any money yet.) Now, I'm not saying that the fact that I'm not there is anyone's fault. It's just that I need to make sure I take care of myself.
I think it's just time for him to come home.