How softly you tiptoed into my world, so silently, only a moment you stayed, but what an imprint your footsteps have left upon my heart.
I Hurt so Much for Her
Last week I received this email from my friend who just lost her son to preemiehood:

"Isn't this grieving thing suppose to get easier? I miss Caleb so much. Today has sucked!!"

I forwarded the email to my husband with the response, " I hurt so much for her."

I remember those feelings. I remember saying those words about my son, Garrett. I would get up in the morning and the day would be absolutely beautiful. For the first couple of weeks I would make sure I had something to do outside of the house so I would have to take a shower and get dressed. But something would always happen to make me remember and grief would come over me and I would end up in tears. It could be something as simple as someone laughing near me or someone getting upset with me over something really stupid.

My mom called every day to check on me. I refused to go back to work until my maternity leave was over. I would sob on the phone to her that I thought grief was supposed to get easier. I remember her saying that she believed God allows grief to come in waves. If he allowed it to hit us all at once, we wouldn't be able to handle it. At the time it gave me very little comfort. I'm a very strong person and the thought that I would keep breaking down like that was almost more than I could bear.

My friend is also a very strong person. I'm amazed at how alike we are. We say we were separated at birth. We have done almost all of the same things. It's scary. The only thing I knew to tell her was how I dealt with the grief. It's different for everyone, but I wanted to be of some help.

Ten months after Garrett passed away his brother, Connor, was born. Connor will never take his brother's place, but he sure does bring a lot of joy to this family. There are days I look at Connor and know that he would not be here if his brother had lived. Then I feel guilty for loving Connor so much. I guess that is the plight of being a parent.

My friend is currently pregnant with her second child. There is a very likely possibility this baby could be premature also. I know that MWEFA will never take the place of Caleb, but I know that he/she will bring much joy to that family. And Caleb will be watching over them for the rest of their lives.

My friend wonders if Garrett and Caleb are in heaven paying together. I told her that when I left the hospital after Caleb passed away that I told Garrett to take care of Caleb and show him the ropes. I said I knew they were playing together and were going to BFFs like we are. She smiled.

Every night when Connor goes to bed I tell him to sleep with angels. It gives me comfort to know that Garrett and Caleb are watching over him.